Why return to this blog now, 5/21/13

Last Friday I sat on a panel to discuss medical crises from the patient’s or family member’s viewpoint in order to help nursing students be sensitive and more inclined to be an advocate for a patient and their family.  I shared my story about Cadence and all her hospitalizations.  Even thought it’s been almost 7 years since she died, the sorrow and grief welled up in my as I tried to articulate the many good and bad things that happened while we were journeying through her life.  Unexpected tears came to my eyes as I tried to share her story.

But I think it was much more than that,  we’ve experienced so much lost in the last seven years.  My oldest daughter has had two miscarriages since Cadence died.  The first was the day after Cadence was buried.  My daughter-in-law has had three miscarriages in the last 12 months.  Whew, a lot of grief in all of that.  One thing I am sure about is that God understands my grief.  He turned his back on His Son so that I might live.  His plan allows me and all who believe to spend eternity worshiping Him.  I sometimes try to imagine my 5 grandchildren playing with delight with Cadence around Jesus’ feet.  It’s a beautiful sight.  Grief has drawn me closer to God into a more intimate relationship with Him that I would most likely never experienced if grief hadn’t been my companion.

My daughter-in-law is pregnant right now and doing well.  My daughter has had twins since her last miscarriage.  My daughter, the mother of Cadence, is married and happy.  All is well because God is Good.

Three years later

In July 2007 my family lost our special grand-daughter, Cadence.  It has been a long three and 1/2 years with many ups and downs as far as my grief work is concerned.   In fact, this is the first Christmas since her death that I have pulled out all the Christmas decorations and decorated as I used to years ago.  I placed her “First Christmas” ornament at the top of the tree with tears in my eyes.   But right next to it, I placed our grandson’s “First Christmas” ornament with a bittersweet joy.   You see, God gave us a special addition to our family a year after Cadence’s  death almost to the day.   She died on July 20, 2007 and our grandson was born on July 15, 2008.  What a blessing he has been and what a huge help he has been in helping me work through my grief.   Life continues, yet my grief wells up at unexpected times.  It can be a song, a picture, or something someone says.  I then find myself in the throes of grief all over again.  God has taught me many things throughout this process.  The main thing He’s taught me is that He is my Provider, Sustainer, Refuge, Abba Father, My All.  All I need is Him, all else falls into the right perspective.   I have come to more clearly understand what it means to be content in the circumstances I find myself.  I have come to understand that my focus must stay on Him at all times.  Merry Chrismtas……

Cadence

Cadence April 18, 2007

This video clip completely explains why my heart and arms ache to hold her.  It was taken while her mother and she were living in Cincinnati waiting for Cadence’s intestinal, liver, and pancreas transplant.  If you click on the words Cadence April 18, 2007 , you can see her in all her glory.  What a joy it was to know her even if it was only a short time on this earth.

Grief continues

Steven Curtis Chapman singing \”Yours\”

Yesterday morning I watched Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife being interviewed on Good Morning America about the untimely death of their daughter. His wife indicated that she knew she should be glad for the positive impact of how they are dealing with Maria’s death for those who do not know God. Yet, she was honest about her feelings. She said her mother’s heart wanted her baby back. I thought about the number of times my heart has yearned to have Cadence back. Just one more chance to hold her, have her smile, giggle, and squeal at me. I, like Mrs. Chapman, know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see her again in heaven, but sometimes like Mrs. Chapman I just want her back. Sometimes this grief thing is so difficult but I know that my existence as well as Cadence’s has been ordained by God. Neither of us would have ever been born except by His will. Just like Steven Curtis Chapman’s new verse to his song, Yours, I know in the deepest part of my heart that all is God’s. His will and His ways are beyond my understanding on this side of heaven. I haven’t lost my joy, it’s still there because I know God is sovereign and that His plans for my life are the best. I found a video on You-Tube that has him singing the song Yours in concert with the new added verse. I hope you enjoy it. Just click on the words “Steven Curtis Chapman singing “Yours”

Power to withstand and be transformed

The past two weeks have been very difficult for me and my family.   July 20th was the anniversary of Cadence’s death, July 25th was the anniversary of her funeral, and July 29th would have been her 2nd birthday.   Even though we’ve had the birth of a new grandson to temper the pain and grief, I’ve had my moments.  Having Drew join our family has given us great joy; however,  sometimes it’s easy to ask why or what’s the purpose for all this pain.  2 Corinthians 1:4 states, “who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” NIV What a blessing it is to be comforted by God.  What a privilege it is for Him to use me to comfort others.   God is transforming me into His instrument of comfort and hope.  Why would I want to thwart that?  The grief is hard but the rewards of being His instrument so far outweigh the pain.  My prayer is that I will be malleable so that God can change me and use me.

The Anniversary

Today is July 11 and my mind is consumed by the upcoming anniversary of Cadence’s departure to heaven – July 20, 2007.   This whole month has been difficult.  It seems like every time I turn around something reminds me of her.  An example is while I was shopping with my older daughter who is close to delivering her baby, I ran across a toy that Cadence particularly liked.  Tears came to my eyes right in the store.  In Nancy Guthrie’s book, Hope,  I quote from p. 149 – “Are your arms empty?  Perhaps God has emptied them so you will be able to wrap them around someone who is lonely.  Is your heart broken?  Perhaps God has allowed your heart to be broken so you will be more sensitive to the hurts of others.  Honor God with your heart as you open it to the hurts of others.”  Today my arms are empty and I ache to hold Cadence’s precious sweet little body.  Is my heart broken?  It’s begun mending but not completely healed.  The grief can still be so overwhelming at times, but the pain is a little less harsh.   Jesus suffered so much more than I can grasp, He is my Redeemer.  My desire is to submit to God and allow Him to use me in whatever way He wishes.  This time of grief will pass, I know.   I often think of my two little grandchildren playing around Jesus’ feet, running, skipping, and giggling, praising Him with their whole beings. 

This past Wednesday, my older daughter who’s due date is July 12th, found out her baby is breech.  This is just a little twist to the great pregnancy she has already experienced.  She and I were riding home from the drugstore on Wednesday evening after a thunderstorm.  God graced us with a double rainbow.  One was extremely bright reaching from horizon to horizon.  The other not quite as bright with only the very top missing.  We both could not take our eyes off the beautiful sight, it took our breaths away.  Again, God told us through his beautiful creation that He is in control and all will work out for our good according to His plan.

Praise Him in all Circumstances

Yesterday, my older daughter who is now 20 weeks pregnant went to the doctor for an ultrasound to determine the sex of her little one.  The ultrasound showed a healthy, active little boy.  His expected arrival date is July 12, 2008.  How wonderful is a God who would give us another grandchild in the same month in which a year ago Cadence and my unborn grandchild both died?  He is an awesome God.  I know in my heart that I should praise Him in all circumstances.  Sometimes that is hard to do, yet it is a decision and action choice rather than a feeling.  If we waited to feel like it, there are times we would never praise Him.  Many times I have prayed and asked God to help me see life from His perspective, rather than mine.  Obviously, until I get to heaven I won’t in all ways see from His perspective, but He has always been faithful to give me a glimpse.  Whenever I view life from a spiritual perspective rather than temporal perspective, I feel peace.  The peace that can only come from God.  He promises us that kind of peace over and over in the Bible.

Sadness but not Despair

Recently I read an article in “Guideposts” December 2005 entitled -When Life Goes On- by Vicki Strong.  It told the story of hearing the news of her son being killed while serving in Iraq and the grief that followed.  I could so identify with this mother’s grief.  She ended her article with words that really touched my heart.  “His grace has been sufficient for our every need.  Our pain has never exceeded His comfort and care. And only with Him at my side, can my life go on. Yes, in sadness.  But never despair.”  During Cadence’s life the sadness sometimes almost overwhelmed me but I saw and felt God comforting me through my friends and family.  Someone would bring a meal just when I needed it.  Someone would send a card or call just when I needed it.  Cadence would give me one of her million dollar smiles just when I needed it.  Never once did I feel forgotten or forlorn.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was working through these dear people to provide for our every need.  We had a team working with us to raise money to provide for my daughter’s needs while she was living in Cincinnati waiting on the transplant.  I was amazed at the outpouring of love from the community around us.  Cadence touched many, many lives.  People from all around the world were praying for her and us.  In the end God healed her in a different way that I wanted, but He performed a miracle of healing in the instant she died and joined Him in heaven.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the pain after she died was sometimes almost unbearable.  I longed to see her smile and have her cuddle in my arms, yet I knew because of my faith that God was in control and His plan was being worked out in our lives.  Sadness yes, but never despair.  Sometimes I wonder how people survive this world without God.  I believe it is impossible, yet many try.  I’ve attached a picture of Cadence to this post.  How could anyone deny the existence of God when they look into the face of this beautiful child that God so graciously allowed to be part of my life. 

What is Grief all about?

Grief is one of the great equalizers of humanity.  Everyone grieves some time in their life regardless of income, age, educational background, sex, or culture.  Most people acquaint grief with death but grieving actually occurs whenever a person loses something.  It could be the loss of a job, the loss of a friend, the loss of a dream, or even the loss of a pet; however, it most often is associated with  the loss of someone through death.  Regardless of what the loss is, we all deal with loss in a similar fashion, yet individually.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in my estimation, was the guru of death education.   She studied death and dying most of her life.  In 1969 she published her most famous book entitiled, “On Death and Dying”.   In the book she described her theory on the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Since she made us aware of the importance of dealing with grief, there has been much study done, many theories suggested, and many books written about dealing with grief; however, these theories usually are patterned in some fashion after the Kubler-Ross theory.  There is a website dedicated to her at http://www.elisabethkublerross.com/index.html  that would be a great place to visit.

Since each of us has had different experiences in our lives with death, come from different cultures, and and have different religious beliefs, we all grieve in our own personal way.  I believe that there really is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, but deal with it, we must.  We generally move through the stages in a fluid fashion.   A person moves two steps forward, then one backward, then another forward again until acceptance and resolution occurs.  For me, when Cadence died, even though I knew it was coming, I still experienced denial.  I thought to myself, this cannot be really happening.  I truly was in somewhat of a state of shock right after her death.  I think because I had done so much anticipatory grieving before she died that this stage came and went quickly for me.  For some people, the stage of denial is a protection mechanism that allows the person to survive the first few days to weeks.  By anticipatory grieving, I mean grieving that takes place prior to the person’s death.  For instance, if a loved one is dying of cancer, generally the family begins grieving prior to the death. 

Cadence needed a liver, intestinal, and pancreas transplant.  There are only a few hospitals in the country which do this kind of surgery, so we moved Cadence and her mother close to Cincinnati Children’s Hospital (about three months before her death occured) to wait for a donor.  The first week she was there we were told that only about 30% of children her age needing such a transplant ever actually receive one.  Those were pretty poor odds.  This was a sobering and sad time for us, yet we were willing to see it through.  She had one offer of a donor but when the surgeons traveled to harvest the organs, they decided the liver was too large and the intestines were not healthy enough.  I think for me personally that began the turning point of beginning to accept that she in all likelihood would not make it. 

My grief, as I have been dealing with Cadence’s death, has been far more painful that I expected.  The only deaths I had experienced in the past were grandparents.  I remember being sad when they died but I do not remember the intense pain I felt with the death of Cadence.  It was so encompassing and intense sometimes I felt as though I was being swallowed up by the ocean, drowning and suffocating with no chance of survival.   I felt as though my heart was literally breaking.  My arms ached and longed to hold her.  My ears longed to hear her laughter and squeals.  I am convinced that the miscarriage of my other daughter right after Cadence’s funeral compounded my grief making it much more intense.   I lost two grandchildren in the same week. The pain has somewhat subsided with time, but I don’t miss her any less.  One thing I’ve personally had to do throughout this process has been to allow God to comfort me through His Holy Spirit and allow Him to minister to me through the wonderful friends and family He has put in my life. 

Sometimes I think about Job in the Old Testament.  How did he survive his losses?  He lost everything – his children, his livestock, his entire livelihood.  He trusted God through it all.  In the book of Job which tells about his life  he spoke of knowing without a doubt that God was sovereign.  In the end he remained steadfast in his knowledge that God should and would be honored and glorified regardless of whatever happened to Job.  This too is what I hang onto.  Regardless, of my circumstances I can live above them if I stay focused on spiritual things not worldly things.  

What are your experience with grief and how have you managed your grief?

The Mystery of it all

 Somewhere around the 11th or 12th week of pregnancy my two daughters and I watched the first ultrasound of Cadence being done.  The mystery and beauty of God’s creation right in before our eyes.  We were spellbound by the tiny human being floating and wiggling before us on the screen.  Suddenly, the nurse practitioner blurted out, “There’s something wrong with this baby.”  Our hearts stopped beating, surely she hadn’t said that, nothing looked wrong, it can’t be were our collective thoughts and words.  That day began our journey, months of appointments, ultrasounds, tests, and meetings with many, many healthcare workers.  They told us the baby had a condition called gastrochisis.  In layman’s terms, her intestines were floating in the womb outside her body though an opening in her abdominal wall.  We met with the surgeon’s who assured us that 95% of these babies did well after surgery.  Only 5% did poorly.  The scripture verse: Psalm 139:13-14 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  echoed in my mind.  Surely, I pleaded with God, you can heal this baby, so my prayers began to ring out heavenward.  At each appointment I was convinced that the mistake would be corrected.  Yet it was not.  Cadence Elizabeth was born on July 29, 2006 and wisked off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit with her intestines protruding out of a small whole in her abdominal wall.  Was my faith not strong enough?  Had God deserted me?  Why was this happening to our family? 

I have been progressing through a devotional book named “Hope” by Nancy Guthrie.  It is a year long devotional book, obviously on hope as the title indicates.  In it she used the following passage from Isaiah 55:8-9 to help me to begin to understand the answers to some of my questions. 

 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
       neither are your ways my ways,”
       declares the LORD.

 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
       so are my ways higher than your ways
       and my thoughts than your thoughts.

My question for the readers of this blog today is, as Nancy asked in her devotional, – “How can these passages help you accept the mysterious plans of God?” For me it is helpful to try to view life from God’s perspective, not mine.  His knowledge and wisdom is so much more infinitely greater than mine.  Who am I to question Him? His mysterious plans are far beyond my understanding.  He is sovereign.  Knowing and accepting this by faith has helped me tremendously.  Since this is meant to be a dialogue, what do you think?